i eat whenever i feel sad.
i an hungry now.
so am i sad?
or.. dinner was not enough?


i think dinner was not enough.
i only had 3 satay, and one chicken wing.

no wonder I am cooking instant noodles at this hour.























i feel like talking to the wall now. =)

I WANT TO CRY OUT LOUD!
argh.

its gonna be a really busy day.
i have things to do everyday!

First, tmr i gotta wake up at 5am (and yes.. i am not sleeping yet!) to go market and help my parents.
then gonna go to school for MGM from 2pm to 6pm.
After that, i will be going to Adda's birthday party at Downtown east (YAY! I CAN GO TO THE BEACH!)
thats only for tmr..

on sunday, i have no plans made, so most prob stay at home and clear my wardrobe. Yes.. thousands of clothes must be cleared.
furthermore, sis wanna have flea market, so im gonna take out many many clothes so that she could sell them. LELONG!
blablabla..
talking about sis.. i got credit card bill to settle. freaking $383!!! argh..

on monday.. WORK!
Yays.. gonna go toh guan dorm to sell hi card again. HAHA! working from 6 - 10pm. cool ness.

then on tuesday, wednesday and thursday... TUITION!!!
and Yays! Im gonna get my pay on tuesday~ hahaha..

on fri.. working at Acacia lodge, which is at freaking bukit batok. HAHA! 6 - 10pm!

FUNNY. I am super free on weekends. hais. i dunno why this time my coordinator didnt give me saturday job. arghhh...

I feel so empty on weekends.
weekends is normally spent with dar..
and now i have no one to spend it with.
i think i should just rest at home.


GOD BLESS ME.
Tuesday gonna receive my results.
I hope i pass everything and go to yr2.
i need that.

it hurts inside.. but i dont know what the reasons are.
i cant explain.
just felt it that way.
i cant control. cant stop it.

i just need my time alone.
to let it cool down..
and not sprout nonsense when i start talking.
nothing will come out nice when the evil twin invade me.
i feel so useless.
overpowered.

i dont know why this can get so bad.
its been years already.
tho dar had improve it a little.
its still like this.

or maybe its improving.
perharps i need more time to tame the evil twin.
maybe its the moon.
that made me feel this way..

i used to just walk away when i dont feel like talking, or rather, when i feel that i cant say anything nice or right.
i just walk away
i dont want to make things worse.
when i start talking.. everything negative would start pouring. swear, curse, sacarstic.
people come and leave my life.
i dont blame them for my weird behaviour.
when i start to walk away.
friends would start saying that i am an attention seeker.
but i have to walk away before my words hurt them.

i remembered one of my fren wrote me a letter.
saying that she cant take my temper anymore.
i cant blame her.
its me.
i cant control it.

i need to be alone.
wandering in the streets.
with unfamilar faces.
strangers.
that would shut my mouth.
and as i wander off the street
i tend to cool down.
i dont know why.

i tried to tame it
by keeping myself occupied.
so i dont have to meet people.
but i just cant avoid it.
i just cant.

when ppl ask me whats wrong.
i dont know how to say or what to say.
i cant find anything to explain why am i like that.

people who know me well..
knows that when i am feeling this way..
i would keep quiet
and not talk until my evil twin had left.

i think i am a freak.
i should start myself really busy.
so that this evil twin would leave me..
and eventually my good self will come back to me.

i think i am a freak.

please forgive me.

I walked to my room suddenly, lie down on my bed, staring in the blank, and suddenly...

I hear the ringtone, that I misses alot.

Its dardar calling!!

When I picked up the phone, an excited and relieved voice greeted me. And I smiled. =)

Dardar just reached Vietnam, and he told me that his port pre was a success! =)

His officer said "well done" to him, and I feel that it is an achievement for dardar.

I am very proud of him..

And I can feel that dardar is more relieved, and he can sleep well already.

Hehe..

I can feel through the happiness in his voice..

I miss him..

He asked me about my school results...!!

He still remember.. But I haven't get back my results..

And he said that no matter what happened, don't be sad.

I hope I will not be sad no matter what happened.

I mean, I know how I did.. so.. no use being sad about the results.

Its a consequence of not studying hard enough.

Can't blame anyone but myself.



oh wells.



Anyways,

I have already planned my "study life" for the next school term.

I will try to get all morning lesson, meaning, 0830 lessons.

One lesson each day, and the most 2. no 1530 lesson i hope.

after lecture, I will have lunch, and then will be staying in the school library to study.

My aim:

• Go through the lecture notes again


• Finish tutorials


• Read through the topics for the next lecture


• Do notes


• Research if needed.

And after staying in the library, I will leave school at about 5, if i have work.

That is..

Singtel Road show

• Location will be in the west.


• Will be working on weekdays


• Timing is 6 - 10pm

And then, I will have my tuition..
Currently I have 4 students, all lae afternoon slots.
So I hope I can have a better timetable to slot all of them in.

Bla bla bla..
All is said and planned, but I hope I can get into second year..

I hope I have the chance again.
Please.....

I often wonder what is happiness..
and when you feel happy, is it happiness?
=D
being in a relationship for so long..
i have learnt alot of things..
how to trust someone..
how to be patient..
how to love and care..
how to communicate..
how to be tactful..
how to make someone happy..
how to be contented..

and until now.. there are more for me to explore and learn.

for all these years..
dardar is the only one that i trust..
the only one that i turned to when i needed someone..
the only that truly understands me and will never leave me alone.
He found me..
He taught me how to be optimistic..
He taught me to be patient..
He taught me things can be very beautiful if i were to look at it in another angle..
He taught me to open up.. not to hide secrets.. and if there's anything bothering me, i can tell him.
He taught me how to trust someone..
He taught me not to be solitude..

He taught me alot of things that I dont even know that I had learnt.
HAHA..

Its weird, to have people asking me like..
"eh how come u 2 can be together for so long huh.."

And my answer was.. "like that lor.. (: "

I cant exactly say how we actually maintain the relationship..
probably, we learnt to give and take.
and thats very important too.

I believe that in every relationship, as in boy and girl together kind, there are many things to learn from each other..
and i dont believe when someone say "the feeling just dies off".
during courtship, thats when the sparks begin.. u wanna know abt the person..
and during dating.. you roughly know what kinda person is he or she..
then.. if u feel that he or she is the right one.. you 2 get together, to know more about each other..
and during this relationship, you are learning everything about your partner..
like his or her lifestyle, behaviour, likings.. bla bla bla..
and this kinda things will take time to discover..

so if anyne tell me that the feeling dies off after some time..
I feel that its all bullshit.
its either both of you didnt communicate, or one of you already have liking for other people.
tsk.. i hate this kinda people can.

I mean.. if u are not ready for a relationship, why get one?
If you are not ready.. you can just go and flirt all you want, no one will care.
But if you are in a relationship, and you go around flirting with other people and neglect ur partner, how would your partner feel?
and furthermore, he or she deserve better treatment, so why bother to stick with you?
anyhow.
i feel that if you are not ready for one, dont be in one.
because your partner may want to look for a stable one and have plans.. and u may be the one dragging and wasting each others time..

bla bla bla..
i just feel very sick about people saying that "the feeling just dies off".
oh wells..


anyway.
i am feeling very psychotic these feel days.
i can suddenly smile to myself in the train, bus, shopping mall.. everywhere..
everywhere i go, i see dar and me. HAHA..
i can see him everywhere..
haha.. he taught me one thing..
he said to me once, "if u miss me, just close your eyes, and you will see me appear. I am smiling right?"
and everytime i close my eyes, I see him. Smiling at me, and that made me smile. =)
i miss him so much..
maybe.. this is happiness, for now?
i hope so.. =)

yesterday i went out for lunch with kaiwen..
and we talked about everything, pratically rubbish.
then he talked about wx and i.
and i told him about our future plans.
its kinda weird for him to ask me "is he the right one".
i was thinking, "like.. duh!!!"
hahaha... den he asked if i was ready to commit.. as after marriage, its a new chapter of life.
but funny.. i was looking forward to it.
hehehe.. tho i am feeling abit scared..
as in.. will things be the same after marriage?
i hope so.. =)

well.. all these future plans i dun wanna think so much..
just wanna work hard and waiting for the day to come..

=) i know dar loves me. thats all i need to know. =)

its late. Nights!

why do i feel like screaming all these while..
i kept screaming in my head till is gonna explode.
i think its gonna explode soon..
hahaha..

i needa find new things to do..
to divert attention.
YYES!

Let's go paint nails.

argh!! im feeling so dumb so dumb so dumb!!!
arghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dardar called and i didnt answer the phone....!!!!!!!!
this is so irritating!
i feel like suffocaing myself!
almost cried out when i see miss calls and messages..
=(
wanting to hear his voice so badly and yet i missed it..

=(

Dardar called me!!
he smsed me last night, that made me jumped out of my chair.
then shortly after, he called.
listening to his voice is like the best music in the world..
so soothing..
i miss him so so so so much!
cant believe it.
hais..
we only chatted for awhile, he needa go do his pre port..
silly boy.. he is all so stressed up!!
how i wish i am there with him right now..
he is now sailing to vietnam..
all the best my dardar..
love ya always..
no matter what..

Today we wanna celebrate mummy's and isabelle's birthday!
Isabelle turns 2 on 20Aug!
Its fun to attend kids birthday..you can see ho excited they are.. =)
Especially he smiles on their faces, is priceless...

So.. anyway.. my whole family gonna be at my house.
I love it when brother and sister comes home..
The house is warmer with their presence..
In addition, there's Zac, Shelby and Isabelle..
The house becomes livelier..
And I can always see mum and dad smiling.. =)

But.. still missing someone..
Thats my grandma..
I miss my grandma so much..
Without her around, is like something missing from my life..
it feels so empty..

So I decided to make muah chee...
thats the only thing that I learn from my grandma, and i swear it taste better from those pasar malam ones.. hehes...
but only this time, i made black sesame muah chee.. hehes..
first time trying.. but not bad!
=)
i alwas make muah chee whenever i miss my grandma..
cos this is the only way that would make me feel closer to her..
while making, i recall all the things that she said to me..
its still so vivid in my mind..
i know, that no matter where i am, my grandmama will be there to protect me..
=) love you..

Anyways..
I had tuition, so i went back home at about 8pm.
Daddy had already prepared a feast!
YUMMY!
Love it when daddy cook..
no wonder i am getting fatter..
muahahaha...

After dinner, i make everyone eat the muah chee that i made..
hehehe..
after that, was the cake cutting and singing song..
the cake is absolutely stunning.
its not sponge cake,
but jelly..
and a big hello kitty head..!!!
OMG.. my sister spent so much for the "cake".
Isabelle was over excited when she see the cake and kept wanting to touch it..
HAHA!

we had fun taking photos, and then cutting the cake.hahaha..
cos my sister didnt want to cut the hellokitty head.. so i cut the border and everyone ate the border..
until isabelle destory kitty herself.hahass!!

After the mini party, i sent my sister in law home..
=)

bryan called me from aus!
haha.. good to know that he is doing well..
really hope jan will come quickly..
so..
that i can see bryan!
and.. of cos.. dardar will commission by then..
argh!!
i want time to pass faster!!


=( Missing him too much..
I love you dardar!! <3

never know how to help anymore..
dunno dunno dunno!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okok.. maybe i should set my priorities.
=(
ok.. i go learn.
byes..

Was it me or is it me..
I don't know.. everything happened around me made me angry..
But just don't know how to show it..
Everytime things happened, all I can do is to smile.
Why..
Am i holding back?
Or is it what happened in the past that made me what I am today..
Is it good or bad..
What happened..
Am I a good listener?
Or am I just a rubbish bin that you can throw all our rantings at me?
Am I a good company?
Or am I just a book that you can read and throw away?
Am I a good friend?
Or am I just a person that you can talk to and then forget about me?

Why do I feel the other way..
It hurts..
to not know the truth..
to not know who people treat you..
to not know what people say about you..
to not know how people think about you..

Its sad..
to know that people made used of you..
to know that people left you behind..
to know that you are forgotten..

Its hard..
to find a friend..
to find a person that you can trust..
to find a person that you can confide with..

when you know that..
its not easy to trust a person..

I felt disappointed when..
you all left me alone..
without knowing that I was alone..
and no one even care to find out..

I feel sad when..
friends dont seems to be friends anymore..
you think that I dont care anymore..
you made us disappointed..

There are many many many many things to rant about..
why am i feeling so negative about anything everything..

is it wrong to be nice?
is it wrong to be friendly?
is it wrong to be helpful?
is it wrong?

or maybe I should just..
shut from the world..
and hide in my own shell..

maybe i should stop being helpful..
maybe i should stop being friendly..
maybe i should stop being nice..
maybe i should only care about my own stuff..
maybe...

i shouldnt be there in the first place...

wads wrong with everyone..
now my tag board doesnt even work.
idiots.

arghhh!!!
i wanna SCREAM! =(

i feel i am not myself, again.

what happened...

dardar.. where are you now..
you told me that u will reach shore on 11aug..
but i receive no news from you..
im woried baby..
please let me know that you are safe out there..
love you..
i miss you..

i dunno whats wrong..
everything seems wrong..

things i do..
dun seem right anymore.
why do u make me feel this way?

having new friends doesnt mean old friends are being replaced.
so why are you feeling rejeced by us?
and do you have to be so mean towards me?

Why is it that when i talk..
it feels like someone else?
have the distance grew further?

Why do i have negative feelings again?
Why am i acting this way again!

Dar i need you..
I need someone that i can pour my rants to and still understand what i meant.
I need someone to tellme why things have gone wrong.
DAR I NEED YOU!!! =(

Its pretty amazing to see couple walking around, feeling so love.
=)
I got this "so loved" feeling when I saw a couple kissing in the bus terminal, bidding goodbye..
Aww.. Isnt it sweet to see that?
But of course, I dont like to say goodbye.
(Because I cant see him for another 43 days. argh)

But isnt it great? T know that there is someone there for you.. When you needed him or her?
If you have problems, you can share with him or her?
When you want company, he or she will there there, always?

I always feel happy to know that friends around me are getting attached, or simply have liking for someone..
Because I know it feels good to love and be loved..

But...
How complicated relationship can be?
Isn't it just involve "I love you and you love me"?
Why isn't that seems to be true anymore?

Why does it hurt so much to see ur love one doing the wrong thing, and the worse is that he doesnt know you are hurting?
Why does it hurt to see ur love one doing the wrong thing over and over again?
Why does it hurt to see ur love one doing the things he likes to do, but you dont like it in any way?
Why does it hurt so much when you cant seem to trust him anymore?
And why.. is that you dun trust him anymore but you still wanna be with him?
Is it because you still love him?
But..
Can someone define "LOVE" to me?
I have asked myself many times, what is LOVE.
And I still dont have the answer.
Its because the answer always change.
And when I ask Dar what is LOVE, we will come to a conclusion that, LOVE is when I'm with you.

I'm with you..
I feel..
Happy.. just to see your face..
Happy.. Just to see you smile..
Happy.. Just to see you get so excited just because I have a lil' surprise gift.
Happy..... Just when I am with you..
And when you are not physically there with me,
I will smile when I think of you.. all the things u have done for me..
and when you kiss me thru he phone, i can feel the kiss on my cheeks(kinda eerie but true!)

Maybe that is hw u feel when u're in love.
I dunno.. at least that is how i feel.
Do you?

So..
If there is no trust anymore..
Can a relationship still be the way it was?
How different will that be?
No trust.. so.. where ever he go.. you will be worried..?
or rather, will you feel angry?
knowing that he is going to do things that you dun like?
And when u feel angry, isnt that feeling unhappy?
And when there is no trust and in long term, u feel unhappy, so is there still LOVE?

I dunno why..
I always feel unhappy when people around me is unhappy about their relationship.
And then, they will just assume that they are unhappy, because the other partner do not understand them.

But does anyone ever thought of this..
If u say that your partner does not understand you..
In the first place, do you understand him?
Do you really know what he really wants?
Or you always assume and presume?
Is that what he really wants?

And so if u really understand him, then you should know why and what is he doing that for.
Everything happens for a reason..
So why not try searching an answer from yourself, rather than pushing all blame to your partner,
and just keep saying that irresponsible excuse of "HE DUN EVEN UNDERSTAND ME!!!!!!!!".

Hais..
I am really upset to see ppl around me feeling unhappy because of relationship, but this kinda things is rather difficult to help.
Because it either i will say "If u dun feel happy with him, why still wanna be with him"? Or "Why not listen to him why he did that for"?
Firstly, it will sound like I wanna break them up, or if not, ppl will think that I am siding either the guy or the girl, and I am not being supportive.. bla bla..

Difficult position isnt it?

Bleah.
Sometimes I really don know what to do.
How?
Sometimes I really dont know what to do.
I dun know.

So what if we have MIDS underway and its a night for the midship man? =S
They are going sailing so soon..

After the underway, dardar have 2 days block leave.
we do loadsa things we want to do.. tho we didnt get to go massage and facial. HAHAS.
But, hais.. I have tuition to go to.. if not I would have more time for him. SAD!!!
But dar was really sweet.. he even prepare surprises for me.
Sweet boy. =D
Never fail to make me happy...

I was afraid, but I have to be strong.
I must let him know that I can do it.
And taking care of myself is an easy thing for me..
But lets not say much on that. HAHAS..

I hate that moment..
The moment when the ship leaves the shore..
The moment when Dar took off his cap and waves..
The moment everyone on shore shouted farewell..
The moment dar smiles when it hurts really bad inside...

I miss him so much already!!!!!!!!

Hais...
Lets count down...

43 day to go~

YAys! A night to look pretty!
Things go really wrong when you want to...
Nevermind.
I mean, how bad can it be?
I bought 2 dresses..
One, doesnt really fit what my dar is wearing...
Second, the somehow, doesnt fit me anymore.

OMG. I spent $$$ for nth!! &^%*&*(**#^
In the end, I wore my pretty pink dress, and it goes well with dar's pink shirt. AHAHS..

So I spent $$ on dresses is WRONG. ARFGH.

Anyways.. WE had fun this time. WEe!!
This time round, I get to sit and laze around. And the ppl sitting around me are girls that are lazy to mingle around too! Yays!
HAHS.. So we just sit down there and chat. HAHA!

YUPYUP. Photos are in facebook! HEhes..

Pinky Pinky Pinky~

Hohoho..
I love BASH.
Because I can get to meet up with all my friends.
Especially when you know new group of people, and you just wanna hang out with them.
But, when you have new friends, you will still think of your old friends. There is no way that you will ever forget them.
I mean, friends, will always remain as friends, and no matter how many new friends you have made, as long as u are true friends, never will i forget you.
So there is no need to feel jealous or left out. silly people..

Anyhow, my mood was really bad on the BASH day..
Bla.

I got to know how ppl looked like when they are drunk.
Sometime it really made me wonder how it feels like when a person is drunk.
I want to get drunk, to forget unhappy moments, and only think of the happy times.
But.. this is only for awhile. Things will get back to what it is after you are sober.
So there is no way for you to escape.
In real life, there are many things we wished that we didnt do or dont want to happen. And when all these things happened, you just want to ignore and look away..
but all these will somehow affects you.
Didnt u realise it?

ARgh..
rantings again.

OG meeting outta no where?
HAHA!
First, on 27th july, I met up with LLoyd. I went to Wisma to repair my phone, and he happened to stay near town. So he went there with me. We had dinner at Waraku, and after that, we head to clarke quay for chicken wings!
Jasper went to clake quay to meet us, and we had a little chat before heading home...

And suddenly, we discussed in one fine afternoon, and tadah! Outing on 28th july. HAHA!
One after another isnt it?
We meet up at Bishan and went prawning.
WELL.. the prawning session didnt really turn out what we think it would be, so we suggested to go sing K instead. And Zoom we go!
We went to Bugis TOP ONE and sing our lungs out! HAHAS!
But little did I know that the session is till 5.30AM.
Yup, so I got scolded by mummy for staying out so late. HAHAS.
We even went out for breakfast before heading home.
I was already a walking zombie.

Yup!
Its the Freshmen orientation camp. =D
Not really looking forward to it when I know that not many people will be chosen to be OGL for the camp.
I was surprised that I was being selected. But when I found out SK wasnt selected, I felt quite sian ler..
And furthermore, I have no idea who my partner is.
I actually asked max and daniel if they want to switch partner. But they know who their partner is, so its kinda bad to change. so in the end i sticked to mine.
He is Jasper. I was told that he is a nice guy. So, yup. I contacted him and we went on contacted our OG people.
Jasper and I met up once to prepare gifts for our OG people. Wanted to make wrist bands for them but it was too expensive. So I suggested handmade gifts.
We went to Plaza Singapura, at spotlight, we got loadsa stuffs, and we made necklaces for them.
My group is ORANGE, so naturally all our gifts are in ORANGE colour. =D
I also went on to Dai so and bought cute pecks and orange fur balls.

After that, we had lunch at Yoshinoya, then we went our separate ways.

I went to meet Changtat, and xiao ying.
We went gai gai at Raffles City, then to Bugis...
We went to Iluma and had dinner at the Manhattan.
Hohoho..
Then we head back to Tampines. =D

Anyways, I was talking about FOC hor...
The whole camp was from 21 - 24 july..
It was an exciting camp because of my partner and my OG members..
Yup, they called me Mummy, and called Jasper Daddy, and they are all my babies.
HYPER ACTIVE ones!
OMG.. We run and run and run the whole time during the race on the 2nd day.
I was DAMN tired can!
HAHA!
I was glad that they had enjoyed themselves.
Tho we didnt win as Best OG, I am sure that they are proud to be the only OG that completed all stations. =)
GREAT JOBS KIDS! =)
(PHotos are all in facebook. HAHA! Go see how happening were we. =D )